The Narcissist Can Only See You As All Good or All Bad.

If you have ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you understand how absolutely mind boggling it is when they are in one of their tirades and as soon as you stand up for yourself they turn around and act appalled at your “abusive” behavior. You had been listening to their vile accusations and put downs all day and out of sheer frustration you react angrily. Your anger is now the problem, not their abuse.

This is a very common aspect of narcissistic abuse. Its frustrating and incredibly painful because you feel like you are in a spin cycle, going round and round with the narcissists unceasing attacks and blame shifting; not once being allowed to express your feelings or defend yourself. You are the bad guy and you don’t know why.

So what gives? Why do they do this?

Narcissists do not have, what experts call whole object relations. They don't have the capacity to form a realistic or stable image of themselves and other people , which includes both liked and disliked aspects and also strengths and flaws.

If you do not have whole object relations, you can only see yourself and other people as either all good or all bad. The narcissist will sort all their experiences with themselves and other people into two different files: the all-good file or the all-bad file.